Want to know what I've learned about cultivating a close family?

For those who long for a comfortable, close relationship with your family, but might not know how to go about it.

I received an unexpected text message from my twenty-something daughter earlier this week.

Inviting me to watch a new movie with her later that night after work.

Now, how often do you get asked to a spontaneous girls' night—by your own daughter, no less?

So the answer was an easy yes!

On the way into town, I grabbed some supper, consisting of a few falafel wraps and a couple of chunky chocolate bars, and slipped them into a large purse.

Then, at the theater, one of her also twenty-something friends joined us, and the three of us pretty much had the place to ourselves. We ate our wraps and nibbled on the chocolate while laughing at the many (silly) antics. And that was all good fun.

But the best part was when my daughter reached for my hand during the more intense scenes—a lot like she did when she was five years old, except it’s twenty years later.

Okay, so admittedly, it wasn't the kind of movie you watch for the plot, yet it had several sweet and funny moments and was surprisingly clean. Besides, what does a little cheese factor matter when you're holding hands with your adult daughter and waiting for the next natural disaster to hit?

Setting the cheese aside, this evening was a dream come true for me. Ever since our first child was born, I've longed for this kind of comfortable, close relationship with our kids.

I just didn't know how to go about it.

Drawing Close Through Hard Times

Now, before we go any further and you conclude it's all "fun and games" around here, you should also know this daughter has walked through some severe trials this past year—at times, heartbreaking for someone so young. We've had many late-night conversations, cries out to God, and long trips to medical appointments.

And it was on one of these long drives that we talked about how challenging our relationship was when she was a teenager living at home. She admitted that she didn't feel very close to me back then, nor did she feel particularly seen or understood.

Yet I am one of the first people she calls now.

You can imagine how precious those words are to hear, especially after all we've been through. I'd drive across the continent to hear her -- or really anyone in my family – express such closeness.

And the Same Goes for Sons

Now, I'll add that this isn't merely a mother-daughter thing.

For instance, this week, I received a call from my twenty-something son, who wanted to tell me about a young woman he'd met. He hoped I could meet her, too, and was eager to hear my thoughts. He shared what he liked about her and what qualities drew her to him.

I listened carefully as my typically quiet son spoke openly about his feelings for her.

Thankful he couldn't see the tears in my eyes—not because of his interest in this girl but because of his vulnerability in sharing his heart with me. I honestly didn't know we'd ever get to this place.

This closeness has been a long time in coming and I'm beyond grateful.

So maybe you're reading this and can totally relate. But perhaps you're wondering, even despairing, if you'll ever enjoy a similar experience with your own family.

If so, I want to offer hope – no matter where things are right now – as well as some practical encouragement.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:32

Cultivating Close Family Relationships

Be intentional.

Don't assume closeness "just happens" or simply "doesn't happen." In my experience, you have to work hard and practice humility (more on this later) in pursuing close relationships with your family.

Closeness requires thought, prayer, and creative ideas on how to connect with each one.

Be willing to invest.

Close relationships cost. There, I've said it. Sometimes, we long for a big goal (like closeness) but aren't willing to pay the price. And that "price" involves time, thoughtfulness, and even tears.

I try to reach out to each of my kids every week and, in some cases, almost daily. It might be a phone call, an invitation to lunch, or a spontaneous drop-in at their work. I also happen to be a gift-giver, so I enjoy coming up with little presents--whether dropping off homemade bread to our sons or sending a cute pair of overalls for our new baby grandson. My desire is to communicate, "I'm thinking of you" and "I care about you."

They already know that I love them. But it’s also important for them to feel seen and remembered.

Be humble.

I've made many mistakes. With each of my children, I've fallen short. I've not done enough, and I've done too much. I've said hurtful things, whether intentionally or not. I've missed the mark more times than you might guess.

But I've also found the gift of humility in parenting. I've had to admit my shortcomings and humbly apologize to every one of my kids—which is not always easy for me to do.

Admitting our mistakes, confessing our sins, and asking for forgiveness is a humbling but essential part of building a close family relationship.

Be patient.

Closeness takes time. Maybe your children are still young and struggling—to the point that you can't quite picture them calling you to share the deepest parts of their souls someday. And yet, take heart, I believe they will.

Every season has its challenges---from toddlers to teens to adulthood---and every relationship has its rough patches, but remain steadfast and hold onto hope.

Be prayerful.

With eight kids and thirty years of parenting, I can't say this strongly enough: Your best parenting happens when you’re humbly bent down on your knees.

While I'm all for parenting books, podcasts, and articles (I'm writing one here for you!), there is absolutely no substitute for prayer. So pray all things for your children—for their protection, for wisdom, for breakthroughs, for insight, for growth and maturity, and, above all, that they will know and walk with Christ.

As imperfect parents, we eventually must realize that we can't fix everything or prevent every mistake, sin, or heartbreak. But we always have a perfect Savior to turn to, trusting in Him, who is able to redeem all things.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. ~ I Peter 4:8

Coming Up . . .

Next time, I’ll share ideas on cultivating close relationships between siblings. Your relationship with your children is one thing, but their relationship with each other can be another challenge!

On My Book Stack: 

Something Powerful:

As concerns the power of praying for your children and family, I highly recommend these books by my friend, Jodie Berndt: Praying the Scriptures for Your Children 20th Anniversary Edition: Discover How to Pray God's Purpose for Their Lives and Praying the Scriptures for Your Adult Children: Trusting God with the Ones You Love. Both are excellent, encouraging, and helpful books!

Something Practical: 

For down-to-earth, everyday, practical ideas, I recommend our two books, 100 Ways to Love Your Son & 100 Ways to Love Your Daughter: The Simple, Powerful Path to a Close and Lasting Relationship. These books give you 100 specific, actionable ideas you can implement to show love to your son or daughter, no matter what age they are (and currently ON SALE)!

A Closing Blessing

I pray that you will earnestly pursue closeness with your family, no matter what their age, the wounds to heal, or the hurdles to overcome.

May you cultivate the kind of love that comes when you're humbly and patiently seeking their precious hearts.

I hope you continue to prayerfully and intentionally work on building a beautiful, close family.

In His grace,

Lisa Jacobson

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