How to experience joy even in the midst of great grief

Here's my (deeply) personal story of learning to live in both joy and sorrow

I'll admit that I was thrown off.

My friend mentioned that she had a conversation with one of our sons a few weeks earlier but was only now telling me about it. Of course, she did not need my "permission." He was 21 years old and could speak for himself.

It's just that it felt like such a sensitive and personal question.

And one that I'd never dared to ask myself.

She had asked him, "Do you ever regret . . . or resent . . . having a sister with such severe special needs?"

Oh my. I couldn't ask this question because, in all honesty, I'm not sure I could bear to hear the answer. But he'd been asked, so there was no avoiding it now.

And I waited anxiously to hear from my friend what our son thought . . . really thought . . . about having a sibling who required our family to give up so much for her sake.

My friend described how he paused thoughtfully, looked her straight in the eyes, and clearly stated, "I've never thought of Avonléa as anything but a gift."

A gift.

Nothing about the vacations we never went on, or the many nights we were away at the hospital, or how much it cost us to care for her.

Simply a gift. And he's right about that—she's truly a joy.

Yet it's not as though the joy magically cancels out loss and grief. We live with both. All the time.

If you don't know Avonléa's story, she suffered a massive stroke in utero and, as the doctors informed us, had a "slim chance of survival." And if she did live, the prognosis was grim: "She would never walk, talk, or know you as her mother."

And yet, here we are, about to celebrate her 24th birthday, and while it’s true she can't walk or use the left side of her body, she talks, knows, and loves me—and pretty much everyone else in her small world.

She is sweet, and she is a miracle.

How can you find joy in sad or difficult situations?

Some of you reading this have a child, a family member, or perhaps even a spouse who has serious struggles. Just hearing our story immediately brings to mind your own experience and its inevitable impact on you and your family.

Then again, maybe you can't relate to Avonléa's story, but you have your own personal challenges and griefs—the kind that most people can't begin to understand. It might be a chronic illness, a broken relationship, or the stress of financial pressures. These might be different challenges, but they bring their own kind of grief.

So, how is one supposed to find joy in devastating situations such as that? I know. I’ve asked myself that question more times than you can imagine. While there’s no simple 5-step answer, I slowly learned a handful of things that have helped me find joy—even amid severe difficulties and heartbreak—and I wanted to share them here with you.

We can't expect everyone to understand what it's like to have our experience.

So, it’s best to let go of this expectation and accompanying hurt or frustration. You have enough to carry without adding this offense and disappointment. People usually mean well, but they just don't get it, and that's okay. You have a Savior who understands your deepest ache and cares for you.

We get to trust God for today and all over again tomorrow.

When today is hard, don’t forget that tomorrow will be a new day. And when you're worried about tomorrow, choose to place those worries in His loving, powerful, nail-scarred Hands.

We can be thankful for every small victory and each little blessing.

And this is far more than merely "looking on the bright side"; It's a genuine recognition of the tiniest good thing.

With some losses, the grief never entirely goes away.

We are incredibly thankful for how far Avonléa has come and that she's still with us. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that we always carry a bit of sadness about us.

With every grief comes an unexpected gift.

While this is not what we would have ever chosen for Avonléa, she is truly a blessing. She makes us laugh, makes our hearts more tender, and has brought our family closer in ways we couldn’t have imagined.

So, friend, whatever grief or burden you carry, I hope and pray that you, too, will experience moments of joy and unexpected blessings.

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. ~ Psalm 30:5

Favorite Resources and Recommendations

On My Book Stack: 

Something New:

If you, or someone you know, is going through a difficult time, I can recommend this new devotional book by Katherine Wolfe (another stroke survivor): Treasures in the Dark: 90 Reflections on Finding Bright Hope Hidden in the Hurting. I'm grateful for Jay and Katherine Wolf's ministry. I would also recommend their book, Hope Heals: A True Story of Overwhelming Loss and an Overcoming Love, a deeply moving story of their personal journey of suffering and living in hope.

Something Old: 

You're probably not surprised that I have a shelf filled with books on suffering and loss. One of my favorites is A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss, a profoundly moving (and true) story and beautifully written.

Our newlyweds celebrating Fourth of July!

In Our Kitchen: 

My new daughter-in-law asked if she could come over and learn how to bake whole wheat bread with me so that she could now make it for our son. I've been making this same bread recipe for over 20 years! We walked through every step together, from grinding the wheat berries to sponging the yeast to baking the loaves. I typically bake 5 to 6 loaves at a time, but we each made two loaves this time so that she could bring her loaves home for her and Britain. We enjoyed such a lovely afternoon together!

I use this recipe if you’re interested: Lisa’s Whole Wheat Bread Recipe.

A Closing Blessing

I pray that you will find the gift of joy alongside your grief.

May you turn to your Savior, a Man of Sorrows, as you mourn your loss and know that you are not alone in your suffering.

I hope you will trust your Heavenly Father with all that weighs on your mind and the sadness you carry in your heart.

In His grace,

Lisa Jacobson

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